What Are Living Amends? And How Do You Make Them? Cake Blog Cake: Create a Free End of Life Plan

Even so, you will have done all that you can to take responsibility for the past—and there’s a level of peace and freedom in that as well. How the other person chooses to respond to our amends is out of our control. Completing Step 9 is the next step forward in recovery, regardless of how the other person responds. We believe everyone deserves access to accurate, unbiased information about mental health and addiction. That’s why we have a comprehensive set of treatment providers and don’t charge for inclusion. We do not and have never accepted fees for referring someone to a particular center.

Sometimes Indirect Amends are Better

It can be a challenging list to write, even for those who want to embrace forgiveness and inner peace—but the list is important. By working through the list in Step 9 and making amends to each person named there, you will restore a piece of yourself with each conversation. A 12-step program is designed to encourage long-term sobriety, by fostering a spirituality for recovery. Each step signifies a new challenge to reflect and/or act in a way that changes old mindsets and behaviors that once fed addiction. Through mutual support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, members learn and practice these spiritual steps and principles, with a view to staying sober and helping others do the same.

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Talk with your sponsor or others in your recovery community about what has worked for them. If your actions match your intentions and you reach out in person, you are doing the next right thing to right past wrongs. And remember, if you are feeling ashamed about mistakes made and damage done during your using days, you are not your disease. Direct amends involve meeting the individual in person to correct your wrongdoings. Your goal is to show you reflected on your mistakes, are truly sorry for the pain caused, and are ready to translate words into actions.

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They genuinely want to see every person that comes in succeed and live a happy life in recovery. Oregon Trail Recovery is committed to providing high-quality addiction treatment to individuals seeking a fresh start. You may have hurt those around you before you started your journey toward recovery.

Making Living Amends In 12 Step Recovery

In many 12-step recovery programs, making amends is an important part of the process. For example, Alcoholic Anonymous (AA)’s ninth step involves making amends to the individuals in your life who were affected by your addiction. The goal of the program is to improve yourself and make strides to be a better person for yourself and your loved ones alike while also remaining sober.

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Continually examine the ways in which you act and look back on past mistakes to uncover the reasons that you made them. This will help keep you from making the same mistakes in the future. When you decide to make amends, it’s important to prepare what your approach will be and to also be prepared in the case that the person you hurt does not want to accept your amends. To begin with, many of the people I talked with were directed to write lists of people they’d treated in sexually selfish ways. Sometimes the lists themselves, if they were extensive, presented opportunities that were hard to resist.

• If we want to be forgiven, we have to be patient, because it may not come today, tomorrow or the next day.
• When you make amends, you acknowledge and align your values to your actions by admitting wrongdoing and then living by your principles.
• Though some of these supporters might be new friends you meet in treatment or group therapy, it’s also vital to reconnect with people you knew before seeking help.

No matter how much you feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with your or hear from you is not part of the Steps. When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept living amends our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others. No doubt, you should feel very proud of the work you have done so far.

• Join the discussion on social with #sobersex or #SexInRecovery.
• When making direct contact would be harmful, or if your amends have been met with negativity, you can still find reconciliation in the larger experience of living amends.
• Thankfully, there are tips you can take to help make your living amends permanent and lasting.
• Just like your substance use in active addiction, your process of making amends in recovery will also be unique.

It may be self-evident why these are so challenging for people in recovery, who have become so accustomed to hiding the truth about their behavior – even from themselves. We may be in recovery, but our family members may not be able to trust that it’s permanent or sincere. It took time for us to emerge from our chrysalis fully committed to recovery, and the people around us are entitled to go through the process without being rushed. All we can do is get sober, be the best person we can be and, above all, be patient. In many cases, making direct amends to them is simply not possible. To fix broken relationships, you have to put a lot of effort into making things work.

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